Six years ago on this day, I wrote this piece and am glad to report that nothing has changed. Here is the seminal article on Idiots, revised and updated.
Just why do some people hold a phone to their right ear using their left hand? If you pondered on this (and other) deeply philosophical queries, you would qualify as an idiot researcher, no questions asked.
Last week, just ahead of me on the road was a fellow riding a bike while talking on the phone. Since anyone doing this promptly identifies as an idiot, I paid close attention.
His head was tilted at a rakish angle as he held the phone tightly between the head and left shoulder, which was hunched up, with his left elbow out. Since he had now effectively disabled his left hand, this would qualify him for the National Idiots Play-Offs.
Even as he rode the bike at medium pace, he seemed to enjoy the conversation, laughing and rolling his eyes, while revving the bike’s accelerator. If he had had an option,he would have tickled his bottom with his right foot, as that was, at that moment, the only redundant limb (the leg, not the bottom, which, if you aren’t up on your biology or geography, isn’t a limb).
The only reason he couldn’t tickle his bottom with his right foot was that there were 4 people on the bike (no, I am not making this up for effect. Even I can count to 4).
The other 3 worthies seemed to find this team-building-program-on-a-bike quite normal, with one of them taking a video of the metro that passed us above and then sharing it, one assumes, with a larger, expectant world of Peer-Idiots on Instagram. Of course, none of them wore helmets, as a deeply-held matter of principle.
Others put the helmet on the rear-view mirror to protect that precious piece of equipment from any damage, for brains can come and go, but rear-view mirrors must last. Many have the helmet dangling from the left elbow, to protect that joint from dust and overuse, which, we all agree, is a deeply thoughtful gesture (particularly if you have been born as an elbow). Of course, some helmet wearers do wear them, but with the straps dangling on either side in the touching belief that helmets have feelings and get attached to human heads.
Idiots, you now realise, think deeply.
If you ever see someone use helmets the way it was intended to be used, please take a quick pic and store for future generations to see what an idiot doesn’t look like (the bike rider that is).
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