WhatsApp in Moradabad

Not sure if you have been reading the right stuff in the newspapers these days, but the only news I paid attention to was one that rated the noisiest cities in the world and had Moradabad as the second loudest.  This kind of measurement is, of course, absolute tripe and rubbish, complete nonsense, and is done by people who were born just after the Industrial Revolution had reached Haiti (where they probably still live in a building called Out-Of-Touch).  Nonsense, because this measurement does not consider Whatsapp Groups to be a city. 

 
Now to brass tacks (which, if you know Moradabad, is a most disreputable pun.  Shocking, the levels I stoop to on Sundays).
 
I have – under duress, pinky promise – been made a member of our neighbourhood Whatsapp Group under the utterly delusional impression that the objective of this Group was to discuss the neighbourhood.
Generally, daily conversations on this group begin this way:
“Good morning”
“Good morning”
“Yes, good morning”
“Thank you.  Good morning”
….which continues till it is afternoon.  Since nobody finds anything good about afternoon, there are no postings.
But the real action – the stuff of Kamikaze legend – begins around 5 pm.
 
“OMG! THERE IS A MOSQUITO IN MY KITCHEN”
“OMG”
“OMG”
…which continues till someone – generally a chap called Kosandri Ranganatha Somanna Srinivas – asks how OMG should be pronounced.
Everyone, of course, ignores him.  Another deeply sympathetic soul with blood and the future of civilisation at perilious stake will then say,
“THIS IS TERRIBLE.  A MOSQUITO, IMAGINE! THIS IS DENGUE SEASON.”
 
I must take a commercial break here to point out that everyone uses capitals, even Kosandri Ranganatha Somanna Srinivas does while writing his name, because it is like a cricket stadium – when everyone stands up to see a dog running onto the pitch, no one who sits down has a hope in hell (of seeing the dog do to a stump what it generally does, that is).  

ps: the aspirations people have are distressing.  But back to breaking news.
 
The conversation immediately shifts to dengue’s body count last season and what needs to be done.
….which is the perfect moment for IMHO.  This stands for “In My Honest Opinion”.  What it actually stands for is “I Am Completely Jobless At This Moment, Have Never Thought About This Issue But This Is A Democracy”.  

So, everyone criticises the Municipal Corporation and provides entirely unworkable solutions ("MONTREAL USED 83 DRONES TO SHOOT DOWN 7 MOSQUIS LAST WEEK") that will not be implemented till 2145 AD, each such solution prefaced with IMHO and followed by YAR (You Are Right).  About 62.4 percent of this group is so lazy that they just do a ‘+1’ – this stands for ‘We All Knew You Were A Total Idiot And Now You Have Company In Me’.
 
When these solutions are being discussed animatedly and excitement is at its peak, a chap called Ramakrishna Shastry – who I hope fries one day in boiling castor oil and is then garnished with Kandhari chilli – forwards a post which says
 
“PAKISTAN HAS DESIGNS ON INDIA”, which normally runs into about a thousand words.
 
There is an immediate howl of protest by society, with people castigating him.  “Not Relevant”, “Can we stay focused on this pointless discussion, instead?” “IMHO’s and ‘+1’ s, after which he goes off deeply satisfied, no doubt, to have his evening toddy-on-the-rocks.
 
There is never any conclusion, of course, so everyone wishes each other GOOD NIGHT and TG (“That’s Great”, without specifying what is).  I believe Moradabad is fighting hard to become the noisiest city in the World but it has about as much chance as Kosandri Ranganatha Somanna Srinivas has of knowing how to pronounce OMG.

final ps: I now hope you are, like me, a member of the secret cult called “Anything But Whatsapp Groups” where people wear black hoods and roam the streets searching for victims-posting-OMGs-and-IMHO-stuff.