In a corner of the garden, lies this pot by the side
Into which I used to compost any food I’d want to hide
I kept it closed and alone, for a pot likes to brood
Anyways, you could argue, it makes compost out of food.

When I picked the lid up that day, I heard a buzzing refrain
But (being a genius, you see), I thought it was my brain
Out came a thousand petulant bees, in an angry mood to sting
That is bad manners, I think. The bell they ought to ring.

All the lessons that they teach you on diving from the bees
Are completely useless, I promise. They just want the fees
The only thing to do is Run, over land and over sea
Followed in your wake by a very determined bee.

So I sprinted (having seen videos of the Jalikattu Bolt)
Yet the visible parts of me were hit by a hundred and forty volt
Bees don’t like writers anymore (and they like poets even less)
And this is their malevolent display to rid themselves of stress.

A stinger here, a stinger there, treated with ice and salt
(The ice had been forming nicely for an evening’s single malt)
I now stick to Dire Straits and skip Scorpion and Mr Sting
Never push your luck, I reckon, for what will music bring?

But every cloud, they say, has a silver perimeter
I have a ghastly ex-boss, a Glassdoor history-sheeter
Who thinks he’s bright & capable (the idiot) and boastfully intrepid
I will call him home one day and ask him to open the lid.
 

PH Value

The other day, I had a bit of a cough
With this thing stuck in my throat
So, I messaged the GP,
“Bad throat, rasping cough, doc, and loads 
and loads of flem,”
He replied, “It’s phlegm.  I will call you back.”
OMG! P-H-L-E-G-M?

What’s that? Where are the vowels?

So when I met a friend, I asked him what pehelegem was

And he said, ‘Search me’.

So I did.

(and found nothing, except a chocolate wrapper.  And

He found it odd, for some reason).

Then, I reasoned it out: in medicine, when

P is followed by a consonant, not a vowel,

Like pneumonia

The P is silent

And the disease is phatal

Sorry, fatal.

So, Helegem?  

My friend said, “I don’t know.  But NO,

DON’T search me this time.”

Then I asked myself,

"Why did the Doc says he'd call back?

Is it serious? Does it need him to speak in a low

and grave (pun not intended) voice?

Then, I panicked and messaged Doc.  

OMG! Was this like some African strain?

Would I pass out?  Or get airlifted to Ward 74?

With tubes  in my nose and those beep-beep monitors

And frenetic nurses and worried specialists?

Would I survive to write out a will?

(and one more book?)

And he replied, “You vacuous, fatuous

Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,

Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot

It is pronounced flem but written phlegm.

Gargle with salt, and think of your first crush.”

And I did.

I gargled with salt

And thought of the time when I first stepped on an ant

At age eight-and-a-half

(all because a pretty little girl with dimples had smiled

And I had blushed).

Methinks, it isn’t me, but that guy Roget of Thesaurus

Who is a vacuous, fatuous

Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,

Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot.

If he could come up with this many synonyms for idiotic

Why not a single one for flem?

Oops, bloody phlegm.

The Dugong Strikes Three

 Dugong
(this one is male
not the species, but the tale)
 
The dugong’s a fascinatingly different fellow
He swims effortlessly in waters shellow
Munching and brunching on crunchy sea grass
And, boy, does he need a lot of biomass!
 
He belongs to the animalia order, Sirenia
That have been around for, well…., millennia
And is related to the family of manatees, no doubt
But what makes him different is that deflected snout
 

And a flipper that is short and a body so slim
(Did I just say that? Am I horribly dim?)
But a Sirenian specialist said once on a whim,
That the dugong is a manatee that goes to the gym!
 
Good news! Protect dugong turf and bring sea ghass back
That is an awesome step along the climate track
But. 
But.
But I have a grouse and a reason for my whines
So, this para has an added two lines.
Naming this fellow a sea-cow is WRONG
A cow should be named a land-dugong. 
 
Moral: ghass isn’t ghastly.  Says so a veggie.

Life's Big Misfit

 A funny thing about the USB stick
It never fits into the port
I push and adjust and try every trick
While the laptop plays Valdemort.

And then, aha! I figure it all out
Turn it around with a smile
I push and adjust and use my clout
No luck. Am starting to rile. 
(Steam clouds gather
And lather).

Then I switch it distractedly around again
And try in last-ditch despair
It fits in perfectly with disdain
While ignoring my malevolent stare.

Why work-from-home sucked (chewed, actually)

The problem was simple; there was no place

To store chewing gum, once it had run its race
No cupboard, no shelf to store my gum
Where it stayed undisturbed in the years to come.

Computers that needed a room to store
Once oozed my gum from every pore
Now a laptop, a smartphone, a tablet device
Is about as sticky as grease on red ice

Few places for chewed gum exist by far
Broken pottery, that smoker's roses, the unused car
Now, learn from me, you asinine has-been
Never, never, I say never

Never

   put gum into your washing machine.

After some thought, what seemed just fine
Was to stop chewing the cud, an unhappy bovine
So I curbed the urge and let the chewing gum
Stay forlorn in its pack for all time to come.  

Now, offices are back and I can stash that gum

In a secret location, till Kingdom come

Though glass tops on tables make me brood
(Chewed gum needs tops of opaque pinewood)

And when I try spitting my gum into the loo,
There's a signboard saying, "No, don't do that, YES, I am talking to YOU." 

The reason I do that daily commute test

Is to find scenic locales for the gum's final rest

But the last work review was very hard to bear

So I put my chewed gum on the bloody boss's chair.   

Henny Is A Chemical Reaction

Gosh, I nearly AGAIN missed the most important day of the year in my calendar: May 8th, which is the World Donkey Day.

Some years ago, I wrote this, a tribute to the finest mammal that has been domesticated (yet).  This year, I have added a para....
(You might wish to discard notions - most out-of-fashion - of having about the same number of syllables in each para (just get a bit cool, in other words....and read on))

Today, the 8th of shimmering May
Is, believe me, World Donkey Day.
Doesn't mean much, I'm sure you'll say
But that is because, well, - you don't bray!  

The donkey, if speak he could
Would say that he's been misunderstood
Mammalian marvel of muscle biology 
What confounds us is the etymology.

A male donkey’s a jack
A female is called jenny
If a stallion’s the dad, a jenny the mom?
The resultant chemistry is henny.

Jack donkeys (that’s redundancy, Jack!)
When not finding love in their pack
Romance female horses (against the rule)
And the World receives a baby mule.

ps: donkeys love my humour as you can see.  Does this mean anything, you think?

Roles Re-verse(d)

 A snake and a purple heron in plume

Engaged in an argument (they weren't on Zoom)

The twist and the thrust

Was the question of, first

Who should do what and to whom !

When the Pahadi spoke

He spoke animatedly, his face aglow
Of elegant, dignified, Pahadi stock.
He spoke of ageing, loneliness and health
And the impact of the migration shock.
Of hardship and attachment as seasons go by
Of the regular, crunching uphill walk.
 
As I listened, noted and marvelled within
At the Pahadi’s resolute grit and smile
My eyes took in with utter fascination
His charmingly easy fetching smile.
The teeth; they were perfect, white with shine
Some secret mountain herb or chamomile?
 
After the conv, I popped the Big Q
‘Just how do your teeth fit the perfect Bill?
I spend on toothpaste, on dentist and brush
And yet my set are over the hill.”
He smiled again, that sparkle of white
And removed his dentures from behind the grill

Reflecting on a recent Delhi trip and the need to be assertive....

‘Six kgs excess,’ said the lady at the check-in

With a charming, engaging smile

‘Would you please pay by cash, rupees

As the card will take quite awhile?’

I put on my favourite hunted look

As the mouse would before (what else?) a cat

‘Could you please waive this once away

And have a delighted customer after that?’

She shook her head as she wrote the receipt

(The smile was still in its intended place)

I paid up a ransom that emptied my wallet

(And the blood off my cherubic face).

As I walked ashen, the next man checked in

His bag was light; no excess to declare

Built like a hulk, all beef, beer and bulk

HE was excess baggage; it just wasn’t fair!

I thought for a moment of raising the point

That a chap and his bag be together weighed

A limit be placed that charges his flab

And rewards a guy who slim has stayed……(that’s me!)

But I walked on, poorer, a rebel with a cause

Cursing myself as a weakling dimwit.

When I reflect on what held me back

I guess it was the smile that did it.

Avoiding a Dangerous Elephant in the Tall Grass of the Nameri Jungle

We held our breath as the elephant moved
Shaking her head from side to side,
We ducked, hid and prayed in strength
That the wind would not betray our hide.

"Come," urged the leader, in a hoarse whisper,
"We must move behind her ample back,
No noise, no voice, NO camera click,
All which trigger her frontal attack."

We silently formed the line and crept
I bravely brought up the dangerous rear
The eyes that met my gaze were steely
My blood just froze with a nameless fear.

We moved carefully on the path ahead
As the elephant lifted her trunk a-height
She sniffed the air and took a step
Sending us scurrying in frenzied fright.

After awhile, we had crossed danger zone!
And stopped to catch our breath at last
Watching the great head from distance afar
Living the moments just gone past.

A man came up from the opposite way
And looked at us with a puzzled eye
We gave him the gist; he listened and said
"It's my elephant! Doesn't hurt a fly."

MRI stands for My Radiant Inside

I just went through a scan called the MRI
Take my word: it isn't worth a try.
In the rarified world of academia
This chapter is 'An intro to claustrophobia'.

The sounds were from a broken hearse
Moving uphill in reverse.
I felt some needles and many pins
And nails on glass and sadistic djinns.

But when I went through the MRI
It was the bill that made me cry.

The Stairs at Vrindavanam

You may have seen many stairs
Yet none like this at all
If you cry, “Who cares?”
Pride comes before a fall.

There are some stairs you could climb
While others are meant to surf
But the one we have in mind
Is a difficult bit of turf

You stand at the base and stare
Gearing up for the task
Hitch on your carabiner and glare
And carry a cognac flask

Begin slowly. Each step is steep
Must hold on to the rail
If you have not crept, you creep
Be prepared to fail

Use your hands and legs
In equal measure and force
Take a break in the mid dregs
To tally up the scores

Achtung! The end is near
You’re feeling smug (and thinner)
When you hear a voice come clear
Calling you down for dinner.

Why Fat is Complex (not a Complex Carbohydrate). Yet

Fat is the ounce
That can bounce.

Fat isn’t good
A fact understood.
But what we don’t know
If how far to go
So let the torch shine
On your waist line.


While some can be had
Most fat is bad
Fat saturated
Not unsaturated
Fat ennervated
Not fat dehydrated
Fat inculcated
Not fat decimated
..and transfat is, well,
trans fatal.

Omega three and omega six
Are a must-have in your daily fix
Get their input ratio right
Else the liver gets a fright.

Fat can be lit,
But isn’t quite light
It adds bit by bit
But not to your might.
Have you now learnt
Why they say fat is burnt?

And, scientists say, the story of fat
Is not as simple as that.

Carb isn’t fat
I never knew that.
Vice versa, adipose
Ain’t sucrose.
Yet, learn
There’s a qern.
A simple carb can add
To the fat that is bad
Complex carb is fad
And hence can be had.


Eat, in a word
Skimmed curd.

Cows are fat
And they live like that.
Dogs are fat
And they live like that
Cats
Are fats
And they, too, live like that.
Even, SUVs, dammit, are fat
And they live like that.

But why the stat
That when humans are fat
They die like that.