PH Value

The other day, I had a bit of a cough
With this thing stuck in my throat
So, I messaged the GP,
“Bad throat, rasping cough, doc, and loads 
and loads of flem,”
He replied, “It’s phlegm.  I will call you back.”
OMG! P-H-L-E-G-M?

What’s that? Where are the vowels?

So when I met a friend, I asked him what pehelegem was

And he said, ‘Search me’.

So I did.

(and found nothing, except a chocolate wrapper.  And

He found it odd, for some reason).

Then, I reasoned it out: in medicine, when

P is followed by a consonant, not a vowel,

Like pneumonia

The P is silent

And the disease is phatal

Sorry, fatal.

So, Helegem?  

My friend said, “I don’t know.  But NO,

DON’T search me this time.”

Then I asked myself,

"Why did the Doc says he'd call back?

Is it serious? Does it need him to speak in a low

and grave (pun not intended) voice?

Then, I panicked and messaged Doc.  

OMG! Was this like some African strain?

Would I pass out?  Or get airlifted to Ward 74?

With tubes  in my nose and those beep-beep monitors

And frenetic nurses and worried specialists?

Would I survive to write out a will?

(and one more book?)

And he replied, “You vacuous, fatuous

Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,

Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot

It is pronounced flem but written phlegm.

Gargle with salt, and think of your first crush.”

And I did.

I gargled with salt

And thought of the time when I first stepped on an ant

At age eight-and-a-half

(all because a pretty little girl with dimples had smiled

And I had blushed).

Methinks, it isn’t me, but that guy Roget of Thesaurus

Who is a vacuous, fatuous

Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,

Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot.

If he could come up with this many synonyms for idiotic

Why not a single one for flem?

Oops, bloody phlegm.