Dog Eat Dog Turned Panda

 

The most interesting news from last week, of course, was that a Chinese zoo painted a couple of dogs and displayed them as pandas in the Star Attraction category.  As you can see, since this under-panda-is-dog event, the word ‘underdog’ has now got a whole new meaning (which is currently in Chinese and inscrutable).  

Now, we in India are trying to beat China in most things and have only succeeded in population so, in my usual thorough dedicated way, I immediately decided to check if we have done the dog-into-panda routine with those cheetahs in Kuno National Park and whether, after the rains, the paint has washed away and they have gone back to being oversized domestic cats that run very fast because they were fed growth hormones left over from WWF wrestling matches.  My diligent research showed that, as always, the answer is like the answer to the question “What is India’s population now?” or “What is our national debt?”, which is, We Have No Freaking Clue.  So for the time being, I will assume they are cheetahs since they run like cheetahs and don’t say meow (at least loudly) and haven’t tried to rub themselves against someone’s leg when he isn’t watching, giving him the fright of fourteen lifetimes.

But back to dogs-and-pandas or dogs-cum-pandas or dogs-that-were-pandas-but-are-now-bow-wow again or whatever.  I love this idea totally and will actively campaign for more such things in life in general.  For the following reasons:

Near Random Rubble, the farm, lives a goat with strong opinions on people who wear clothes (its owner generally doesn’t and Ramappa can attest to it). It has a robust set of horns (the goat, not the owner) that are clearly made of some evil metal like wrought iron and are sharper than my thankfully-now-dead aunt’s sarcasm (I speak, with deep feeling, of both creatures).  The sinister nefarious plan is to have this goat painted and anointed with headgear to be the cutest calf out of Walt Disney and then left near those noisy retarded pubs in Indiranagar with the result that the word Butt - hereinafter used in verb and noun form - will be in substantial evidence, followed by the fastest evacuation ever recorded in peninsular India after the Rashtrakutas.  

I have also thought of painting up all the street dogs around my place as pandas so then WWF - not the wrestling scamsters but that NGO with the panda as its logo that keeps asking you for money - will round up these blokes, feed them bamboo bark (note the ingenious pun) and keep them around.  Until it rains, that is.  When, of course, we paint them again, this time as penguins.  

As you can see, I dream big in the race against China and am hard at work to explore possibilities that will one day leave pandas wondering if they could become dogs for a change.