AI For Washing Dishes: an encyclopaedic history of private equity in Bangalore

 In parts of Bangalore, until recently, when people were done with washing the dishes or online yoga, they registered a start-up and appointed an investment banker to raise a hundred million dollars or multiples of that modest figure.  Generally, everyone created an App to do something that has been done perfectly well since the Vijayanagar empire.  Like milk delivery.  

The next step was to write this idea down in a Business Plan, which is a document that nobody pays any attention to, unless they are done with work for the day and want to settle down with a cup of tea and some fiction. 

During this stellar period in human history, the only goal of every start-up was to burn cash in super-quick time, which process was - with the usual complexity that is intrinsic in private equity - called Cash-Burn.  The enriching idea was that once they had raised money and lost it, they could raise more money that they would lose quicker than the earlier pile, so that they could raise even more money - this is called Series C for the important and deeply intellectual reason that it follows A and then B.  The National Record in this Event, when reports last came in, was held by a company called Cred which, at a highly impressive stage in its life, earned Re 1 for every Rs 732 that it spent. Even a spendthrift friend of mine, who is utterly incompetent and runs a chaotic NGO, is in awe of such stellar performance.  

They kept on raising money till Series AH or something, at which point they became Unicorns. A Unicorn is a company that people who are permanently affected by smog-induced shutdown of the frontal cortex of the brain think is worth a billion dollars or more. Like the setup - which is run by a phony tail guy - that sells an electric scooter that has a front wheel which, like the yogis of old, believes in being detached and therefore has an independent free mind.    

Generally, anyone who made money from a business and therefore did not need multiples of hundred million dollars was considered a Supreme Idiot by everyone, including the critically-opinionated experts at WhatsApp School of Advanced Debris.  A typical Founder spent all his time pitching to investors, using words like Traction, Machine Learning and Network Effects which no one understood, but since anyone who does not use words like Traction, Machine Learning and Network Effects is considered to be Supreme Idiot, version 2.0 and escorted to the lift, everyone nodded sagely (especially if they were awake).  

And some of these investors have made money by selling to some other investors who then made money by talking up the story to more investors who will make money if they hold on till 2074.  This process has, like Cash-Burn, a technical name in private equity: the Bigger Fool Theory.  

My next update will be in 2074.  Stay posted.