Milky Way with a Galaxy of Options

Some years ago, I was travelling abroad and first came across a packet of organic milk. This got me all excited but the minor issue was that I didn’t quite know how organic milk was different from the non-organic version.  Actually, I didn’t know the difference between slim milk, full fat milk, mild-fat milk, fertiliser-masquerading-as-milk, almond milk, soy milk, A2 milk and diluted whitewash, because they all tasted horrible (and still do), unless richly fermented into curd. 
And the organic stuff (in British Pounds) costs fifty percent over the other version.  A monthly subscription to this was about the same cost as a roundtrip on business class by British Airways to Heathrow, with a Wimbledon ticket thrown in.
  
So, like udder, sorry, other homo sapiens who need to Know Everything But Don’t Know Where To Begin, I Googled. Here is the summary of what I learnt (after being warned that drinking milk causes hormonal imbalance, stones in the kidney, liver something-something and various heart conditions, including feeling sorry for the cow).
Stuff I learnt:
- Organic milk is when cows munch on stuff that is organic. It does not mean that someone cleans the inside of said cow with neem oil.  This was, of course, news to me, because we all had thought that the cow was organic too.  
- Generally (unless informed to the contrary), this means hormone-free (which in its definition does not preclude the presence or otherwise of oxytocin, which merits unique categorisation)
- Substantially (with minor aberrations, accounting for outbreaks of bad behaviour by bacteria) it means antibiotic free, except for such antibiotics as may be presumed to co-exist with biotics.  
- A2 milk is milk containing the A2 variant of beta casein protein, about which there are 7,844 opinions on 7,844 different links, most of which tell you that the others are lying.  

Having studied Operations Research (in my MBA, in which course I scored a ‘B’ after promising the Professor that he could have all my future earnings and, if I ever became PM, a share in the Treasury as well), I saw this correctly as a linear programming problem and, after an hour on the OR software, I chose low-fat, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, oxytocin-precluded, organic milk.  

But Google was not done.  It then sternly asked me if the milk should be from cows tied up or allowed to roam? (These cows are called free-range, which is how they differ from Airtel, which is no-range.)  Being an abiding liberal, I chose the latter, regretting the decision almost immediately because Google let me know that free-range cows munch grass (the original stuff that’s green and full of nutrients, not the other stuff you are thinking off, you corrupted mutant) which has insects hanging around and doing their daily chores.  

So, when these cows munch through the grass and the insects, they are not technically veggie, if you see what I mean and the last thing I want to have in my tea is a grasshopper that’s gone through a ruminant’s digestive system and become milk, so I changed my Search to ‘stall-fed’ which then told me in ominous tones that there could be trace residues of dangerous stuff, so I went back to grass-fed, A2, low-fat, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, oxytocin-precluded, organic milk, in a fully renewable carton which was so expensive that my prepaid Forex card asked me to confirm with, “Are you sure, you ignoramus?”.  

For the rest of the trip, I became a committed vegan and had black tea.  Except for two weekly organic, free-range, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, full-yolk, medium-sized, happy-hen eggs that I paid for by redeeming flying miles.