Hug a Cow? Please tell me How?

The most uplifting item in the news this week is the declaration by the Animal Welfare Board of India that February 14th will henceforth be Cow Hug Day.  During this day, presumably, you must hug a cow (and not the other way around) – one needs lucidity in these crucial matters.    

I had not been a fan of the AWBI, for the notable reason that I did not know that such an august institution existed.  Until today.  Now I am a die-hard supporter of the world’s two most exciting performers (in the following order):
1. AWBI
2. Messi

So, as a loyal fan, I am all prepared for Feb 14th.  There is a minor lingering detail I need clarity on and your vital contributions will hugely help: how does one hug a cow?

I measured my arms this morning and all I can hug is the teddy bear in the loft, which is the fastest known way ever recorded to start sneezing and continue till the anti-histamine takes effect.  So, in the spirit of scientific enquiry, I divided the cow into three parts: the back, the mid-section and the front and did my research.  The summary of my findings are below:
(below here, not below the Cow.  As mentioned earlier, one needs lucidity, and you are clearly inhaling something illegal.)

Let me state this right away – I am now taking the bull by the horns – I refuse to hug the cow at the back and I shant describe this further, despite grave provocation.  You can argue as much as you wish – until the cows come home, to use an udderly disgusting pun - but I know a few, trust me, and they have strong, unequivocal views on strangers hugging them at the rear and will react with alacrity, leaving you either
A) Drenched; or
B) Benched; or
C) Trenched
D) Stenched

If you choose Option B or C (or B+C) above, please travel to cow-hug location in an ambulance (preferably multi-specialty).

I have equally deep-rooted reservations about hugging them in the vicinity of their horns, because cows often mistake humans for flies, in which respect, they bear a spitting resemblance to Stallone in Rambo (there are other notable resemblances to Stallone as well, in voice, dialogue and intelligence quotient, but that is digression.  One needs to report from the drenches.  Sorry, trenches.) 

 
If you insist – despite this hard-working researcher’s dire warnings – on hugging Cow around the neck, please choose the outdoors without a ceiling, because the known record for human- levitation-by-Cow-propulsion is 14 feet and this could be a unique opportunity to beat that.  On landing, you will need to check every one of the 206 bones you have (including those precious few in the cranium that protect the vacuum inside), while the lady continues to observe you with a critical, clearly jaundiced eye.  

That leaves the mid-section.  Now, I am not sure if you have seen a cow ever, but the mid-section houses pretty much all the machinery and prodigious amounts of grass and you will need about fourteen prosthetic arms to get around, with your face right in its midrib (for the record, cows don’t smell of Chanel eau de cologne, not the ones I know).  If there is a calf inside and you go ahead with a hug – prosthetic arms and all – the cow, unless she is fully anaesthetised or listening to Pink Floyd, will treat you to a reverse flick which makes Messi look like a bartender in a cast.  Ambulance recommended.

Now, a final point: if you had thought of giving a rose to a sweet girl on Feb 14th and have now changed your plan and plan to give it to her cow, do quote Amol Palekar in Chitchor and say with feeling, Gori tera gau bada pyaara.

 
…which will be a memorable one-liner, even it will be the only memorable thing you say that day.