Oodles of Noodles

I am now fully convinced that the most philosophical experience in the greater game of Life is to call Customer Care of anyplace for anything.  When compared to this, spending a month in a cave in the Himalayas is nitrogen-depleted chicken pooh (no, not Winnie.  He was a different kind of Pooh.  Capital P.).

The philosophical experience begins always with: This call may be recorded for quality purposes and for posterity because we get so many jokers with submarine IQ and when Mad magazine is reborn and restores its award-winning section on Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, we will have a business model wrapped up in bone china (actually, they only say the first part till ‘quality purposes’ and the rest of it is under Conditions Apply). 

Then some auto voice on the phone tells you to wait and begin watching Sholay because all the customer service reps are busy laughing at other customers.  When any customer asks for a refund, you have to wait longer because the whole call centre starts laughing and throwing paper balls and whole-wheat vitamin-enriched Maggi at each other (both of which taste identical without the masala added). 

By the time they take your call, you are at the part where Gabbar is asking for Sanjeev Kumar’s hand (no, not in marriage, you dumbo – watch the movie). Then they say No to you and ask you with fond hope in their voice if there is anything else they can help you with, which gives them a second opportunity to say No and throw paper balls and whole-wheat vitamin enriched Maggi (with real pepper) at each other.

The call always ends with the person telling you that you would soon get a message asking for a rating of their service and that message always reaches you when you are in such a bad mood that the resident cockroach in your kitchen has willingly swallowed boric acid and written out a Will.  

That rating message has got 5 stars and if you know what’s good for you, mark 5 out of 5.  If you are in a Really Rotten Mood, ok, give it a 4.  But anything less and you are in deep trouble.  For example, if you choose a rating of 2 - despite the sagely advice of the worldly wise - three calls will follow to

1 1. Find out what went wrong
2. Find out some more on what went wrong
3. Find out even more on what went wrong

The fourth call is generally because all the three people who called you yesterday have quit Customer Care to join a fintech startup which does Jack pooh but is valued at 300 million (dollars, not cockroaches.  You are not paying attention).

Calls 4 to 6 will follow with these deeply compassionate objectives:

4. Find out what went wrong
5. Find out some more on what went wrong
6. Find out even more on what went wrong

I guess you get the picture (even if you are the kind who asked for a refund).