The Sound of Thunder

Now, I am not particularly familiar with the way people in other parts of the World go through their morning routine, but we – without a doubt – are different.

Take the watchman who lives in our neighbouring building which is an office.  The tap that he uses abuts our low wall and I have learnt much from watching this spectacular display of gargle-calisthenics.  

When I have my tea at 6.30 am, it is accompanied by a stereophonic sort of sound from across the wall from a stricken man, caught at the throat by an angry lion and in the last throes of Life.  Just when you think he is done for, he grunts in approval and begins again, this time with a guttural sound of a masked warrior in battle looking to intimidate his opponent, which notable effort is followed by vicious, targeted projectiles of water (combined, no doubt, with Patanjali tooth powder, the remains of which are helpfully on display on the wall).  This is immediately succeeded by his sincere attempt to pull his small intestine up the windpipe and out of his mouth, but he has sadly never succeeded.  Being of a never-say-die disposition, he nevertheless does this everyday  (We try harder – Hertz).  There are normally about seven such attempts at intestine-travel, after which it is time to wash his face.

“Wash” is about the politest word one can use: he takes water in his cupped palms and slaps his face with it in angry retribution, moving his head rapidly from side to side about twenty times. It's likely that he was once a coal-miner and now thinks that he hasn’t yet left the job.  

And then, once this process of ablution is complete – an engrossing 8 minutes during which my tea turns cold and I make important notes of his movements – he turns away from the tap with a satisfied expression and goes back to the front of the building, with an ominous sound of thunder moving away from the sky above to the distant yonder emanating from his viscera.  He then goes back to doing what watchmen do best when they are not sleeping under a blanket: sleep on it.