SIUYAWYAHAB if you put me on a WhatsApp Group

I have closely read the new criminal law in place.  It has removed Section 420, which is now a verb in Indian-English, but has done nothing, I repeat nothing, that prevents Someone from adding you onto a bloody WhatsApp group.  According to me, that Someone should seek my consent in triplicate and get an affidavit by a notary in Lakshwadeep attesting to his sound mind before doing this. But no.   

Even now, after being known as a crusty, nasty, lurking, ominous presence on some groups, people still add me on every group and its mother-in-law.  I seem to be spending about half my daytime getting out of WhatsApp groups that I never opted to be in, and then explaining, with appropriate contrition and fake remorse, why I did so. 

I am on groups of friends, friends who are classmates and classmates all of whom are not friends, friends without some friends who are, by mutual unspoken consent, in friends’ groups but not friends, friends without friends of these above friends, friends who are friends because I did not un-friend that friend somewhere, and I am just beginning.  

The most traumatic – my conclusion, after judging all the entries carefully - are the groups formed for surprise birthdays (I was on a group this year for a surprise birthday for a fellow I have not spoken to – out of choice - since 1998). 

Sometimes the birthday person is accidentally co-opted into such a group and then there is great entertainment, with everyone blaming someone, but that, unfortunately, does not seem to happen often enough. 

When a poor faultless soul has his/her birthday (in case you had a doubt, we all have one), that original Someone starts off with ‘Happy birthday So-and-So’ and puts up a ridiculous meme like the one below.  

Now, this Someone is generally a kind of mob instigator in his part-time.  Soon, the WhatsApp group gets into action.   After an hour, those who have not yet said something will, in sheer panic, just say ‘HBD’.  

What HBD actually means is: “I sort-of have to wish you and am doing my duty and thank God you have only one birthday a year and this is to let the group know that I am wishing you”.  So, they should actually say, ‘IMHO HBD, BYE’ 

Generally, it all starts when Someone forms a group and appoints another part-time human as co-Admin. Then, they start with photos or Good Mornings or videos of dogs or little children in parks in Toronto, all of which were circulated in my first WhatsApp group at the time of the Battle of Panipat. 
Then I leave. 
Then there is a phone call or message to know why and I apologise. 
Then I am co-opted. 
Then I leave. 
You get the drift. When you leave a group, the general feeling is that you are the sort of person who would spray graffiti on Humayun’s memorial or support open defecation in Rashtrapati Bhavan. It’s hopeless and is a big reason for the revised GDP growth figures of our country being only 5.3%. 

In a couple of days, we will see a new tsunami of messages wishing everyone a happy new year, with a meme which has about as much feeling and emotion as a cement pillar in the Regional Transport Office. Some will say stuff like HNY, in which case I will reply with SIUYAWYAHAB.  

That should get them to think.  
For a change.