Those photos did more that capture our earth, they captured our imagination.
Paths are made for walking......
Friday, January 10, 2025
William Anders – A tribute, a story and a pledge to think about
Those photos did more that capture our earth, they captured our imagination.
Friday, December 20, 2024
Who Flung Dung?
The other day I came across a news item that read, “Bundles of currency notes recovered from heap of cow dung in Odisha”. The byline mentioned an amount of twenty lakhs, which, assuming it was all in hundred-rupee notes, would mean that at least one end of this cow was kept very busy with its tail pointing to north-north-east on a windy day. This was when I decided, being sentimentally attached to all ideas that have money at the end (literally, if you see what I mean), to take the bull by its horns and watch the other end carefully.
Since this was official breaking news, I thought of calling Ram Reddy who has kept more cows than can come home (whenever they do, that is). I did not think of Seenappa, my farm hand at Random Rubble, because he has an IQ of 8.26 (including 18% GST) and will be out of depth in an intellectual conversation, even if it is bullshit (the topic, not the conversation. Will you read carefully, please?).
Now, cows are ruminants and therefore grass turns into a robust dung, with a lively smell that gets rid of your blocked nose just when you wished it would stay. This is called the dung-lung connection in technical discourse (ok, I just invented it, but the point remains).
To help you (and Seenappa) understand this better, here is the scientific reaction:
Grass → Dung (+lively methane exchange with atmosphere + Dung lung)
Lots of grass —> Lots of dung (+village evacuation at short notice + Increase in sales of local agarbatti)
Yet, I never knew that a cow could do the following conversion:
Grass —> Dung + Currency notes (methane flavour)
Lots of grass —> Dung + Lots of currency notes (+village traffic jam, to hell with methane)
Following this I reasoned that
Not all cows do the above because, if they did, the Reserve Bank of India would own a dairy farm and not a Mint and we would need demonetisation once a week, along with Vitamin D capsules
But at least one cow (reference, newspaper) has done it. It is, in other words, Ms. Cash Cow
Hence, that one cow is special
Hence, find out why that one cow is special
Or buy that cow
Or hire that cow on EMI (with PayTM that will EMI anything that mooves. Sorry, moves)
Once Cow is acquired, feed cow with a bucket on both sides (of which one bucket is empty, you ignoramus).
Raise Private Equity on Cash Cow, by valuing it as a Unicow, a Unicow being a bovine Unicorn, if you have been living under a rock.
You can clearly see the fiendishly clever thinking here, without doubt. Once I had the business plan all worked out, I went back to the newspaper article to find out the location of the village in Odisha and that is when Reality struck: apparently, the money was in a plastic bag and hidden in dung by a thief.
I have now written a strongly worded letter to the Editor of this newspaper, asking him to fire the sub-editor who came up with the headline that has misled much of humanity. But if you ever have this urgent, implacable, insistent desire to know about the chemical constituents of cow dung, you know whom not to contact.
Tuesday, December 3, 2024
PH Value
With this thing stuck in my throat
So, I messaged the GP,
“Bad throat, rasping cough, doc, and loads
and loads of flem,”
He replied, “It’s phlegm. I will call you back.”
OMG! P-H-L-E-G-M?
So when I met a friend, I asked him what pehelegem was
And he said, ‘Search me’.
So I did.
(and found nothing, except a chocolate wrapper. And
He found it odd, for some reason).
Then, I reasoned it out: in medicine, when
P is followed by a consonant, not a vowel,
Like pneumonia
The P is silent
And the disease is phatal
Sorry, fatal.
So, Helegem?
My friend said, “I don’t know. But NO,
DON’T search me this time.”
Then I asked myself,
"Why did the Doc says he'd call back?
Is it serious? Does it need him to speak in a low
and grave (pun not intended) voice?
Then, I panicked and messaged Doc.
OMG! Was this like some African strain?
Would I pass out? Or get airlifted to Ward 74?
With tubes in my nose and those beep-beep monitors
And frenetic nurses and worried specialists?
Would I survive to write out a will?
(and one more book?)
And he replied, “You vacuous, fatuous
Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,
Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot
It is pronounced flem but written phlegm.
Gargle with salt, and think of your first crush.”
And I did.
I gargled with salt
And thought of the time when I first stepped on an ant
At age eight-and-a-half
(all because a pretty little girl with dimples had smiled
And I had blushed).
Methinks, it isn’t me, but that guy Roget of Thesaurus
Who is a vacuous, fatuous
Asinine, half-witted, moronic, empty-headed,
Foolish, imbecilic, thick-headed, batty idiot.
If he could come up with this many synonyms for idiotic
Why not a single one for flem?
Oops, bloody phlegm.
Wednesday, November 27, 2024
Five + Five Ants = Tenants
If you found American politics comical and entertaining, then clearly you are missing out on Apartment politics, which make Trump look like Amrish Puri decapitating seven sidekicks and American politics more boring than reading a bank locker rental agreement.
So, it all begins when the owners of a new apartment complex come together to form a Whatsapp group. If the builder owns some apartments there and is part of this group, then the others create a second Whatsapp group which is generally named Residents-cum-Victims, with the image of a noose as the DP.
A retired Army officer is generally the most active member because he feels that civilians are so disorganised that they cannot manage anything. Civilians feel that he is so organised that he cannot manage anything.
There is always one financial planner in an apartment complex who comes up with the bright idea of investing the corpus of Rs.8.72 lakhs in an equity mutual fund that he normally would not touch himself with a spear-tied-to-a-barge-pole. Such adventurism is promptly castigated, of course, particularly by the above retired Army officer whose endearing approach to Life since 1971 has been to Shoot the Bloody Bugger.
Almost always he becomes the President of the Building Association, being completely unemployed except for his evening Patiala peg. As President, he tables the proposal to acquire CCTV and nuclear missiles because he feels that the apartment could be invaded anytime, particularly by spotted doves, which are drones sent by a neighbouring enemy country.
Generally, at least one apartment is let out to bachelors, resulting in the creation of another Whatsapp group to keep watch on the above and to debate if the smell emanating from that apartment was burnt rasam or weed. Since none in this group can identify the smell of weed and surfing the Net only tells you how horribly you can die from smoking up, everyone asks everyone for help, but no one wants to volunteer that his/her kids could expertly tell the difference.
The Bachelors-at-Bay make matters most interesting by hosting a party in the middle of kids’ exams, which gets all the WhatsApp groups super-active, with everyone and their mothers-in-law voicing opinions, judgments, stern warnings and dire outcomes (‘They don’t CARE’ or ‘Mark my WORDS’, clearly indicating a need to conduct classes on When-to-use-CAPITALS ) and forwarding videos of Recovered Alcoholics because they could not find anything else to send.
This apartment owner lives in Minneapolis and therefore is one fricking, big help in this whole situation, but will nevertheless apply American Rules and suggest that an Officer of the Law be called, on which issue the Doves-Are-Drones Army man has strong views generally after his second peg. After the party, someone takes a video of the bottles outside the apartment and posts it everywhere and tags the PM on Twitter, thus achieving a Dutiful Citizen I-Love-My-India status with tiranga and bhel puri.
Owners also choose their apartments carefully as a result of which there is someone from Coorg who cooks panni curry on Sundays living next to a Mylapore maami who thinks garlic is Ravana Incarnate. The resultant neighbourly affection, of course, results in the creation of two Whatsapp groups and vibrant lively conversations on manners, right- and left- wing, ancestry, calling-the-cops and fictional childhoods.
Then, in one of these groups, someone will post a highly relevant message like ‘See What This Man From Venezuela DID To His Dog’, which, of course, makes the sender neither Left-Wing nor Right-Wing, but belonging to the North Wing of the apartment complex.
And the Armyman replies that We Must Shoot The Bugger.
Thursday, November 21, 2024
The Dugong Strikes Three
(this one is male
not the species, but the tale)
He swims effortlessly in waters shellow
Munching and brunching on crunchy sea grass
And, boy, does he need a lot of biomass!
That have been around for, well…., millennia
And is related to the family of manatees, no doubt
But what makes him different is that deflected snout
(Did I just say that? Am I horribly dim?)
But a Sirenian specialist said once on a whim,
That the dugong is a manatee that goes to the gym!
That is an awesome step along the climate track
But.
But.
But I have a grouse and a reason for my whines
So, this para has an added two lines.
Naming this fellow a sea-cow is WRONG
A cow should be named a land-dugong.
Sunday, November 17, 2024
The Magic Wand
Music and memories sit together in a way we do not understand.
I think of those moments of my childhood staying with cousins, my ammumma - a generously built and indulgent grandma - two aunts and an equally indulgent uncle in a beautiful old family home in Marayil lane in a Kochi of yore now preserved in sepia.
A warm summer evening and we move about listlessly amidst the adults, the cool black oxide flooring smooth as a river pebble. My uncle has his office in a charmingly fashioned building in the same compound and, his work done for the day, has gone upstairs to play records on his player. In a corner of the living room in the family home where we all are, up by the ceiling, is a wooden box with a speaker embedded in it. That speaker is connected by a tenuous wire to the record player in his room.
Ammaman, as he was to me, plays a number of songs, largely Malayalam but Hindi as well, yet the memory that sticks with me is of one: the film Chemeen is considered a landmark in Malayalam cinema, as are its songs; this one has stuck with me, a soulful, slow, deeply moving rendition sung, unusually enough, by the inimitable Manna Dey. It was his first Malayalam song and, though at that age I don’t quite understand the lyrics, his pronunciation is flawless (which is more than I can say for myself).
And that is how I first remember Salil Chowdhury. I then remember the audio tape - a selection of his best music - that I had bought across the college campus at that little store with the unsmiling owner. And I remember his music in Anand - another landmark film in Indian cinema - with Rajesh Khanna singing by the sea and a song by Lata, Na Jiya Lage Na, that is as much raag-based as it is Rabindra Sangeet. And the flute in Maya…..And Madhumati, Kabuliwala……And Rajnigandha…...And Choti Si Baat…..And Annadata with its mellifluous, gorgeously unusual Raaton Ke Saye, that I have heard a hundred times. And so much in between.
If, over the years, I have been a diehard - what sort of word is that, by the way? - listener of RD Burman’s music, Salil Chowdhury has been the first change, for when you are done with chalk, cheese is welcome, if both are the finest there is. And, like all great music, the more you listen, the more it grows on you.
A musician friend and I once spent an hour listening to the music of our generation, much of it in silence. He then shifted in his chair, stretched a bit and took a deep breath and sighed. “These Bongs,” he said, tapping his head, and there was reverence in that voice, “they are as brilliant as they are crazy.” QED
If Salil Chowdhury had been around, he would have begun his 100th year tomorrow. To a genius then, it is time to say Thank You.
This medley is an extraordinary tribute. Play on.
Saturday, November 16, 2024
Life's Big Misfit
It never fits into the port
I push and adjust and try every trick
While the laptop plays Valdemort.
And then, aha! I figure it all out
Turn it around with a smile
I push and adjust and use my clout
No luck. Am starting to rile.
(Steam clouds gather
And lather).
Then I switch it distractedly around again
And try in last-ditch despair
It fits in perfectly with disdain
While ignoring my malevolent stare.